The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense at Work

Never loan out tools or books with the intention of getting them back. But jumping right in. This isn't the usual coffee table, easy reading on a nice afternoon type of book. As my headline suggests, it's a workbook that requires effort, or exercise. In other words, you have to put what was read into practice. Your test, so to speak, is when you go out and talk to people. Especially in a work environment. After reading this, you'll be surprised at how often barbs or slights are thrown your way. Whether it's malicious or not, obvious or subtle, is important. How you address them is also important. This book serves as a guide on how to recognize and how to best respond to a "verbal attack", whether it's overt or subtle. The way this book is organized, it's very easy to immediately jump to a chapter that most applies to your specific situation, but I'd recommend against doing that without reading the entire book. It is a "lesson" book at the end of the day, and you'd be missing a lot of foundational information. With that being said, good luck.

Amazing book.... how to communicate and be politely assertive and not get bullied or sucked into arguments. The author has several books in the series, all the same message with various examples and situations. Her sci fi writing is excellent too, worth checking out if you are so inclined. It does take some practice to actually make the techniques work. Worth it! I also recommend Peacetalk 101, sadly out of print. Transformative book.

Pros: Fantastic skills and framework Helps you to look beyond specific words to read intentions Creates an understanding of responding to a person's intentions rather than words/questions Brings a toolset to shy people or those that are often blindsided by remarks of others Cons: Some of the examples are difficult to follow Some of the examples don't completely explain her points Reading is a bit dry Verdict: Someone recommended me this book years ago because I am constantly needing to be on the defense as a disabled person. People say the most awful things in public to me and this book equipped me to deal with that and many other scenarios. I've passed it on a few times too!

This is a superb book, but you'll have to dig for the good parts. It's an indispensable reference for learning about the games people play and how to play them so you can defend yourself when someone at work is trying to 'mess with your head.' Don't be put off by the 'Gentle' part. You'll really learn how to stand up for your point of view without turning to anger and ineffective communication. Dr. Elgin provides an understanding from a linguistics perspective, as opposed to a psychological one, although she references a lot of psychological articles and studies. It is part scholarly work, part early self-help era work. A lot of the references are old and you can tell the 'at work' version is somewhat slapped together to have another 'contemporary edition' book to sell. That's OK, as there is enough instructive content to outweigh the flaws of this book. Flaws include poor editing. There are scenarios and things that often left me in 'left field,' but once I started skipping around the book it was easy to find the good stuff. Persevere and you'll get a lot of good from this seminal work on 'workplace bullying.' I've wasted a lot of money on books trying to come to terms with this issue. Dr. Elgin lets no one off the hook. She clarifies how one becomes a victim and how to dodge this vulnerability with sound techniques. She also points out how you can learn what needs work in your own language and personality that turn off others, so that you can correct yourself. I like the book so well, despite it's shortcomings, I'm getting for friends and colleagues!

To me English being my second language the book series of Gentle Art of Verbal Self -Defense were very useful. I did not realise, that subtle verbal aggression is so common. I used some of the techniques described to a very good effect. For people who have never been on the receiving end of this type of passive intimidation probably difficult to comprehend its usefulness. In my opinion to ignore such a form of broken communication only gives the perpetrator the courage to continue.

Very interesting book. I learned a lot about why when talking to certain people I end up feeling bad about myself or the interaction I had with them. Several things I never even considered before.

This book is okay as far as it goes but is incomplete. It is very detailed about categorizing different types of verbal attacks a person might encounter, but the selection of attack types is limited. It is good on encouraging people to look for the true source of the attack rather than get into an argument, and this is probably the most important part of the book. But as for how to counter a verbal attack or protect oneself, there is only one suggestion: perceive the true source of the attack and respond to it by turning a related question back to the attacker in an unemotional way and remaining detached. This calls for quick thinking. The book could have used a lot more discussion of this. Although I did not agree with the authors choice of the true attack topic in all his examples, he does have a point about responding to the true core of the attack, and deflecting the attack by questioning the attacker about this core. Actually, in my life as a wimp, I have found that it does help to say something to turn the attack back on the attacker. At least it makes you feel less wimpy.

The book taught me much about how to protect myself from family and work verbal abuse - especially the kind that poses as a "joke" but is really an all out verbal assault. I also learned how to watch my own language with a very important section on "touch dominate" people and on how to train your own voice to be professional and pleasant. I just ordered the book "Try to Feel it my Way" to help me understand a touch dominate loved one. Looking forward to what I can learn from it too.