Getting to 'I Do': The Secret to Doing Relationships Right! Paperback – February 1, 1995

This book has been the 'magic key' I had been desperately searching for in a pile of self-help books and hours of therapy. For the past 2 years I had been obsessively trying to figure out 'what was wrong with me' (and him) that caused our really wonderful, fulfilling relationship to deteriorate into a devastating mess and failure.Our relationship failure didn't look, sound or feel like any of our friends' relationship failures. Theirs were obvious: cheating, alcoholism and marrying for reasons other than love in the first place were some of the 'normal' and understandable reasons to end a marriage or relationship. Ours was not like that. We had all the right elements: incredible physical chemistry, humor, affection, mental compatibility, emotional compatibility, similar values spiritually and socially, you name it, we had it. We enjoyed doing many of the same things, we enjoyed one another's company and there was no cheating of any sort. So what on earth happened to us? Losing that relationship when it had so many wonderful elements was absolutely the worst pain I have ever experienced, and I knew I had to dig deep and figure out how it happened because if I didn't, I wouldn't survive the pain again. Since I am not the type to turn bitter and just buy a cat, I delved into the bottomless pit of the 'why's...until I finally found the answer in this book.The basic premise is really simple: There MUST be a 'masculine energy' person (who gives, protects, and is RESPECTED) and a 'feminine energy person' (who 'gives back', receives joyously and is CHERISHED) in order for the relationship to work. If you both want to be in charge, you will fight for the masculine position. If you both want to have your feelings cherished as your top priority, you will fight for the feminine position. If you must be BOTH respected for your mind and want to lead AND insist on having your feelings cherished--that is the epitome of NARCISSISM, and Dr. Allen believes you will be UNABLE TO MATE SUCCESSFULLY. I agree with her. You must ultimately choose between the two energies or live alone.So many reviewers seem to have missed the point of the book by having their feathers ruffled by the concept of submission to the male that they also missed the hundreds of times she reiterates that you can CHOOSE which energy to be, and you can also NEGOTIATE with your mate after the relationship is established for role reversals in areas that both of you agree to. She is NOT in any way suggesting that we as women should suppress our minds or needs or feelings in deference to the male. We can and should express our FEELINGS to our masculine mate. As the man, he should express his THOUGHTS to his feminine woman, and ASK HER HOW SHE FEELS ABOUT THEM. Dr. Allen teaches us how to do this so as to actually get our needs met. The male MUST cherish the female's feelings above his own, and HE MUST DO THIS FIRST because a woman will be UNABLE to feel safe submitting to him and UNABLE to show respect for a man who has not FIRST shown her she is safe to do so. If a woman loves her man more than she loves herself (my problem) he will use and abuse her because she allows it.Of course, the more frustrated and 'uncherished' I felt, the more resentful and angry I became, not understanding that I would never be able to give him enough love, generosity, effort or sacrifice to get him to meet my needs. What I was doing SEEMED to me to be feminine and loving, but it turns out those things were actually the masculine trait of selflessly giving. No wonder I didn't like being in that role! A successful relationship is like a battery: there needs to be a positive giver (male) and a negative receiver (female) in order for there to be a 'charge' or connection. It won't matter how hard you try, because without both ends of the battery, you will never get a darn thing from it.This was the problem in my relationship. My boyfriend, who appeared very cherishing, giving and protecting at first, gradually slipped into his more feminine self and revealed what he was to me: a narcissist who would not give OR give back. He needed to have BOTH energies (my respect and also my cherishing) being given to him. I did it as long as I could, but despite the fact that we had all this 'wonderfulness' and commonality, he simply couldn't take the full masculine role I needed him to, and he left. Of course this left me absolutely AGONIZING over what more I could have done (actually, as Dr. Allen points out, I needed to do much LESS) to save our relationship.I really must express my deep relief and gratitude for this book. I am naturally a feminine energy person, and instinctively behave in feminine ways so I got a lot of it 'right'. But when it came to asking for things I wanted or needed, I did it completely WRONG and was totally baffled as to why my asking was met with such resistance. Men take requests as attempts at control, even when they aren't. Dr. Allen shows us a better way.I needed HONEST ANSWERS about what causes relationships to fail or succeed, and how to get my needs met by my man, and also meet his. She also showed me that what I thought a man wanted was not the case at all. I am so glad I now know this information. Thank you Dr. Allen. I am certain you have saved me from another round of hideous pain.

Well, having picked up the book upon someone's recommendation - and as a guy, this was bit difficult - I was surprised to discover that the author pretty much nailed it on the head as to how guys think and behave (the sex stuff is so very true). I, myself, being a "masculine" personality, was having difficulties with my girlfriend and ready to break up with her because she thought it was necessary (for her ego) to "argue" with me like a man does (yup, that's how we see it as). Seriously? I get that all day at work, do I want to get that same competitive attitude at home? Ladies, if you're dealing with a masculine personality, what the author is saying is true (whether you like it or not). There will be exceptions, but men really really really don't enjoy arguing with their women - it really gets under our skin, and if you're dating someone, then eventually it will take its toll on the relationship (there are many "indirect" ways to get what you want that are less confrontational). What convinced me more than anything else that the masculine/feminine principle was true was that, even though the author exclusively speaks about heterosexual relationships, the same dynamic can be found in gay & lesbian relationships. That is, even in a "non-traditional" relationship where the roles are up in the air, so to speak, the same masculine/feminine behavior is naturally seen. Wow. Again, there are exceptions to everything, but the author is pretty much right about how masculine men think and behave. We do like to protect and lavish, but only if we are not competed against. Otherwise, we will conquer and destroy those who compete against us (or just divorce or leave her); and that is not what anyone wants. A tidbit I've learned from my own life is that "trust" and "respect" are required in every relationship - if either is compromised, then it is pretty much downhill from there. Another tidbit is that we will all be in love many times in our lives, but the person we should marry is the one we can live with.