Intimate Partners: Patterns in Love and Marriage

I bought this book because of its reputation and because of the good ratings it has received here on Amazon. Nevertheless, I was underwhelmed. First, Maggie Scarf fills the book with waaaay to many trivial and superfluous details about her clients and the circumstances in which she spoke with them. I felt like she was either trying to make the book more interesting or simply using the book as an outlet to hone her writing. Either way, I ended up skimming many portions of the book because I knew they were filled with insignificant details. Second, Mrs. Scarf's central insight in the book is the concept she calls "projective identification." In short, projective identification refers to relationships in which one partner acts out the unconscious thoughts/feelings of his or her partner. Her main contention is that we INADVERTENTLY choose partners who will outwardly express our unconscious thoughts/feelings. That's it. That's Mrs. Scarf's grand theory. Really, that's it. Mrs. Scarf continually hammers home this insight throughout the entire book. Personally, I couldn't really relate to this psychological concept. Although Mrs. Scarf would perhaps counter my contention and say that I cannot relate to the concept because I cannot perceive it because, remember, it's something people do inadvertently. And I'm open to this accusation, yet I've really tried to see if this concept of projective identification applies to my life, and it doesn't. Perhaps my experience is an anomaly and you will be able to relate to this concept. Yet, if you decide to buy the book and get half way through and still do not feel a connection with her assertions, save yourself the time and move on to another book. Here are two other self help books that, in my opinion, provide far superior insights and advice:(1) "Are You the One for Me" by Barbara De Angelis -- please look past the quacky cover, Dr. De Angelis has loads of profound insights to share in this book.(2) "How to Break Your Addiction to a Person" by Howard Halpern -- life changing book from an incredibly perceptive, sensitive, and thoughtful psychoanalyst.(3) "The Road Less Traveled: A New Psychology of Love, Traditional Values, and Spiritual Growth" by M. Scott Peck -- another extraordinary book. Peck claims that delayed gratification, acceptance of responsibility, balancing, and dedication to truth are preeminent tools for effectively living life.

That this is a "classic" couples therapy book works both for and against it. The problems facing those of us who want to retain our individuality alongside the twosomes we form are timeless, and that makes the book valuable even today, decades after original publication. What I didn't benefit from so much were a few "dated" attitudes towards relationship expectations and suggested "homework" assignments for dysfunctional couples. Another problem for me was that much of the book is taken up with a limited number of case studies that seemed to go on for too many pages and became very repetitive. I appreciated the readable writing style of the author, even though I feel she could have given as much information in one hundred less pages.

The author does a masterful job in providing both theory and practice about intimate relationships. The book is full of sound therapeutic information, weaved in between stories of real couples who are trying, more or less successfully, to manage their marriages and their other intimate relationships. Despite the complexity of the topic, the book is easy to read and very interesting. The couples' interviews are interwoven between brief but very useful therapeutic concepts. The sections on human sexuality from a physiological point of view are very informative, as are the psychogenic aspects of that issue. The final chapter described 5 levels of increasingly healthy relationships and provides the reader with practical advice on how to improve marriages, child-rearing and parental relations.

I've not had the chance to read much, quite busy helping someone move.What I have read so far is what is expected.I got this book because it was recommended by a college professor.When first read it's difficult to get through without reflecting on what's happened or going on in your own life.

I found this book very helpful To try to understand what is going on in marriages. it is not self help, but also not technical that a Leigh person wouldn't understand. Explains basic psychological process that go on in marriages, and how to identify them, and even try to fix.

Anyone having trouble with a romantic relationship and those who are just interested in such relationships would do well to consider reading this profound book.Maggie Scarf really gets down to what drives these things and explores what gives so many of us such difficulty. She also offers simple and very valuable suggestions as to paths of improvement and fulfillment in our dealings with our most significant others.

This book explores the repeating patterns that happen in family systems. The reason you have 'issues' may because your great, great grandpa mishandled something important and that is still repercussing in your current family system.

I bought this book for a friend. I read it in medical residency. Great case-studies. Understandable concepts. A very good book!

This is a well written book, one of the best known for all relationship therapist trainees as well as experienced therapists. Anniec55

all as expected

I love this book. It describes a few relationships in detail and it helps you to see the actual influence of your family background and how this affects your relationship.