Divorce Poison New and Updated Edition: How to Protect Your Family from Bad-mouthing and Brainwashing

As a targeted mother of four married to a man who has lost two sets of children to PAS I can only say that I wish I had this book available to me 10 years ago when I kicked my verbally abusive exhusband out for beating me bloody and choking me nearly unconscious. If I had only known of the signs to look for and how to more effectively counter-act this insidious form of court-sanctioned child abuse my family might have not been so tragically destroyed. [...] Though very late, this book still helped me as my husband's second set of children did finally reach out to him and I've managed to maintain some shred of contact with my younger three daughters. The road back has been slow but we have hope. As long as we have hope we have everything. The book also reinforced that we did the right thing when we had finally let his oldest children go. It became clear recently that they have grown into toxic human beings as they viciously and without provocation stalked and then attacked me via the internet because I published an article about my husband (their biological father) singing the praises that he had earned. He stuck with me through my nightmarish custody hell, never waivering for a moment. These women and their family sent me nasty emails actually making fun of me for losing custody of my own children, telling me to "drop the woe is me act" and "just accept the fact that I lost custody of my children because I married their biological father", who according to them "was a man who wasn't fit to have children around him". I was mortified and stunned. These women had no clue about their father's life as they had no real contact with him since they were little girls (they now have children of their own). Nor did they know that I'd been embroiled in then 6 year long custody dispute where my children were finally taken from me due to PAS months before I'd even met my husband. What kind of people would do such a thing? The long term effects of PAS made abundantly clear to us both at the juncture. So we both said, "Good-bye" to those women, wished them well and asked them to never contact us again. This book helped me gain insight into our children's behavior and gave what seemed to be very sound guidance as to what we should do and also exactly what we shouldn't do if we have any chance of regaining a relationship with our younger six children (who are now between the ages of 14 and 18). I have and will continue to recommend this book and Dr Warshak's DVD "Welcome Back Pluto." I've not yet sent copies to our children but watching it helped me and my husband regain a sense that MAYBE we can "do something"... something effective, as opposed to squandering more millions on attorneys and "experts" that did not help our children's situation one iota. I am also very interested in the program that he mentions in the end of the book which is designed specifically to reunite children with their estranged parents. If nothing else this book will give parents like me and my husband insight, clarity, hope and a way to effectively deal with our constant grief in a positive manner. I had already employed many of the tactics of my own accord but it felt good to have a reputable and sound source support what I'd already figured out for myself the hard way. It also felt comforting to know that I'd exhausted or at the very least attempted every avenue the book cites for ways to try and recapture custody and/or a "real" relationship with our kids. I have the peace of mind that comes from knowing that I didn't fail because I gave up. I already knew I did everything I could but the reinforcement gave added comfort. I didn't give up and never will. But I am comfortable saying that I am not wasting anymore time and money spinning my wheels in desperation. I highlighted and made personal notes throughout the book. One day when I feel the time is right I will send the book to whichever one of my daughters I feel it would help the most. I hope that it will be a catalyast to have her lead her and her sisters back home. I feel this is yet another way to try to reach out that I'd not had before I bought and read the book. I hope that all the parents and children out there who have had this nightmare thrust upon them will someday get "their happy ending" (or should I say happy beginning!?). At the very least I hope they find a way to gain closure as we did with my husband's adult children. It was very sad when we decided to "lay them to rest" but it felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted once we let that first handful of dirt onto their caskets (metaphorically, of course). We wished them long, happy and productive lives that are filled with many blessings and the strength to weather the storm. Peace

Regarding: 'Divorce Poison” Divorcing parents, PLEASE, get this book, and every other one you can find on the subject of "Parental Alienation Syndrome", referred to as PAS, and read them thoroughly. Even if you are only at the 'considering divorce' stage, it is not too early for this information, and have your divorce attorney read it too, if they're not already familiar with it. 'Divorce Poison' is very real, only recently recognized as a big problem by the mental health community, can happen in the best of families, and could potentially tear apart once close parent-child relationships, causing unnecessary pain and suffering for you and especially for your beloved child or children. All it takes for this poison to spread is one bitter, selfish, jealous or insensitive ex-spouse, step-parent or even grandparent, (or they could all band together) to basically brainwash your poor unprotected child against YOU, even if you were the most loving, attentive parent you could be. I was that loving, attentive parent (I have the pictures and witnesses to prove it), but it still happened to me anyway. We're not talking about one parent who was abusive or somehow at fault, who lost custody of the child, and then is run-down by the custodial parent, which, for the child's sake, isn't a very good idea in itself. These are cases of average to good parents who are routinely and systematically denigrated in their child's eyes by an ex-spouse through not-so-subtle innuendo, false accusations, and downright lies, all in an effort to gain retribution and punish that other parent, regardless of the amount of harm it does to the child. It is selfish, destructive and inexcusable parental behavior, and it is going on all over this country, right now. I'll use my story as an example to illustrate. I divorced my husband when my son was three. I left him because of irreconcilable differences and his unwillingness to do anything to improve our relationship. I was expected to do all the childcare of our baby, all the housework, plus I worked from home full-time. He worked full-time from home too, and took out the trash. He made it very clear that any housework he did was because I was falling down on the job and he was doing me a favor. For months and months I begged him to go to a marriage counselor with me, but he refused to budge an inch. I finally went on my own. I told him over and over of my unhappiness and dissatisfaction in our "shotgun" marriage, when I had only just turned 19, and asked for his participation and help. I found out years later that he had gotten me pregnant deliberately by tampering with my birth control, so I would have to leave college and marry him, which I unfortunately did, as I considered an abortion out of the question at the time, even though my family begged me to. I really thought I was doing the right thing. Ah, the idealism of youth. Turns out it was almost all a mistake; him, leaving college, getting married. But not the baby; he was the love of my life. Eventually my ex remarried, and I thought it was finally all behind me. I got on with raising my son the best way I could, and with all the love, affection and firm guidance one child could ever need. School year with me, summers with his father and his wife. Everything was fairly smooth for years, until his wife started complaining about having to pay me court-ordered child support, since she wrote all the checks herself. They actually offered to give me a “bag of groceries” every month instead, but I flatly refused. I did actually allow them to reduce the amount somewhat, but obviously that wasn't good enough. I didn't want my son to know that his own father had actually offered that little help toward his care. After that, things slowly started to change. When he was 11, and after my son had begged me for a solid year, became surly and angry at times, when he had never done that before, and I had done my best to reason with him, I finally allowed him to chose to switch the times of the year he spent with each parent. I thought that if I didn't, he was becoming so angry that our relationship might be permanently damaged. Little did I know that I was going to lose him anyway. He wanted to go because "it was time to get to know my father," as he put it (who had he been living with every summer until then, Santa Claus?), a decision that was absolutely excruciating for me at the time, but I now realize it was a horrible mistake too, and that he had been heavily coached by his father for the previous year, all about how I was deliberately keeping them apart, etc. What ordinary person would think that a father who seemed to really love his son would, or allow his new wife to, mentally abuse his own son? And they have the audacity to criticize and slander me when I took great care of him and have never done anything intentionally to hurt my boy, and my only “crime” was to split up with his father years ago? I now know that it was so painful for me to let him go because it was a very big mistake. You'll see why if you read on. I had been aware that my ex, his new wife, and his immediate family were verbally bashing me, because initially they had him personally deliver nasty verbal "messages" and accusations from them to me--his own mother. I told him NOT to listen to the nastiness, corrected their lies for him, and did my best to ignore the venom. Finally, when he turned 14, I told him to not keep delivering them to me because they were just trying to poison me through him, and that if they knew they weren't getting through to me, they would eventually stop. Sounds reasonable, huh? But naive it turns out. My son was quite intelligent and reasonable for his age, and I thought he was old enough to understand the concept and be able to separate fact from fiction, since he knew what I was really like anyway. And it was primarily fiction, since I hadn't seen or been allowed by his wife to talk to his father for many years, and have never even met her, so what did they really know about the person I'd become over the years? Next to nothing; they just thought up the worst kinds of accusations and ways of interpreting my actions they could think of to tell my boy. I thought that handling it this way would stop all the nasty "discussions" about me. This is what psychologists at the time thought would happen too, according to this book. Obviously it didn't, and the onslaught did start to sink in and take root in his mind. She always answered the phone when I'd call and then she'd listen in to our private long-distance calls from nearby, and he always felt inhibited talking to me. I couldn't even talk to him normally anymore. They even told him that my family all wanted me to have an abortion with him, which is true, but was it right or good for him to ever learn that, or did it just benefit his father? Consequently, my son would not even invite any of my family to his first wedding (I got to go, but was treated appallingly) or worse yet, visit my mother to say goodbye when she was dying of cancer four years ago, saying only that "I've never really felt very close to her." Have I painted a picture for you of the insidious, systematic butchering of a loving mother-son relationship yet? I didn't even tell you everything; just a taste. He was also apparently relaying "intelligence" about me to them, I presume in a bid to win approval from them and stop their verbal and mental abuse of him. Sounds like some kind of terrible spy movie, I know. Sick people! This book also talks about the alienating parent enlisting the child to spy on the other parent for them. The child may see it as a way of gaining closeness with the alienating parent (AP) , by siding with the aggressors. I have only very recently found out the great extent to which it has damaged my formerly very close and loving relationship with my own son and his opinion of me, as well as his general sense of self-esteem, peace of mind, and ability to form healthy relationships with others. How could I not know all this was happening at the time and what it was going to do to us, you ask? I asked myself the same question at first, through a lot of tears, of course, until I read all about it. This book, and others like it, have helped me sort a lot of it out, but obviously it's best that you read it now, before or at the beginning of a breakup, to help prevent the possibility of this happening in the first place or hopefully nip it in the bud early on. First of all, I lived far away in another part of the country, but brought him out to visit me each and every summer until he was 18, and second, he quite obviously didn't tell me everything that happened to him at the time, and downplayed or defended the things I did hear about. They talk about that in this book too--what you may or may not be told about the whole situation. The child may not tell you about their experiences with your ex at all, only tell you bits and pieces, tell you everything's O.K., or may have even been coached about "what to tell Mommy" if she asks. After all, did you tell your parents everything that happened to you when you were a kid? I didn't either. Especially things that you thought would upset them, make trouble for you or make you feel like you were betraying the other parent by getting them in trouble. Many of the things I've shared with you I didn't find out or figure out until many years after the fact. Another factor was that my son also carefully led me to believe all this time that things were fine between us, just like before. I was a lie. I've recently moved to his area, and he can no longer hide his inner turmoil, feelings and negative opinions about me any longer. He's yelled them straight out at me many times, or directly in my ear over the phone, and when he's not yelling or angry, I can see it in his face. He's irrationally suspicious and distrustful of me, and anything I've told him to set him straight, he goes to his father or someone else related to him, who naturally denies or refutes it, and my son always believes them no matter what it is, no matter how much evidence to the contrary. It's gotten so bad that I can't even be around him or talk with my own son on the phone anymore and actually feel threatened by his presence. I don't know if he'd ever hit me, but I'm scared of him and don't want to find out. They've spent years filling his head with venom toward me, to the point that he doesn't even trust or seem to like me anymore, and from his present angry and aggressive behavior, I now suspect that he was verbally and emotionally abused by both of them too. He's in anger management therapy now, finally. The only real justice that can come from about this whole situation is when, hopefully, the child comes to realize what the alienating parent or family has done to them, and it completely backfires on them. The child is then furious with them, and for very valid reasons this time. The problem for the child then becomes that they are left with the pain of knowing all of this and still only has one parent, since it's unlikely they will want to have much to do with the alienator/s again. I have to keep in touch with my son through cards and letters now, but he won't return my letters, even send me a card on holidays. I never wanted him to feel these terrible things, let alone about his own Mom. We were always so loving together. I never dreamed this could happen to us, and am shocked and dismayed by his behavior and attitude, and can only hope that he doesn't ever decide to have his own children while he's in this state. I probably wouldn't get to see them anyway. I pray for help and strength everyday, and am going to start with a new counselor in a few weeks. I WISH to GOD that this book and the concept of "Parental Alienation Syndrome" had been around at the time I let him go all those years ago, because I definitely would NOT have. At that time I could never have imagined in my worst nightmares that things would turn out as they have. As they state in this book, there is always cause for hope that your child will eventually be able to somehow shake this brainwashing, because that's really what it is, brainwashing of children! Ironically, that's initially how I found out about PAS; I was looking up books on brainwashing, because that's just what this whole situation felt like to me, since the slander he seemed to be believing sure wasn't based on truth! With luck, your child can still come back to reality, at any age, and then you can mend your broken relationship, together. There are also books out there for adults who were treated as my son was when they were young, alienated from one of their parents by the other, to help them deal with their deep and painful issues. There are now therapists who are coming on board in new methods of recognizing PAS, treatment of victims, and counseling for families in the grip of this condition, but you may have to do a bit of searching to find one up to speed. This book is a very good place to start though, but a word of warning: this book can be quite an upsetting and life-altering revelation if you are or think you might be experiencing PAS in your life. It was for me, but worth it to be standing in truth now. I will never give up on him or on us, no matter what. For heaven's sake, it's for the sake of our children!

I have read Divorce Poison over the last several months and wish I had read it ten years ago. But of course it had not been written yet. I have been divorced for over a year now, but the poisoning has been going on for a long time before that. To the point where I finally decided, after 28 years, to divorce because of what my husband has done to my relationship with my children, especially my daughters. It continues even now, but I have benefited from this book. First, it helped me to know I was not making this up. My ex has done and said things straight from the book and I know he has not read it (ha). Second, it has helped me to know what to do. It not only talks about what is going on, it gives suggestions on how to handle situations. This has helped me to be patient with my children. I see a little progress. I am still involved with my children even though at times it is a struggle. The difficulty has been that no one else, especially the children, know what is going on. Reading this book has helped me to keep sane in the midst of an unfair situation. Finally, this book gives me hope to keep persuing my children no matter how they respond to me. I love them, but the discouragement has been so overwhelming at times I wanted to give up. The book is right in saying that bashing the favored parent is detrimental, but it is hard not to defend myself. This book has been such an affirmation of what I have been dealing with for so many years. The only counsel I was getting was to forgive and keep submitting. I am a Christian and understand what God expects of me, but I also knew something was terribly wrong. The book says many people are not experienced in divorce poison and that includes Christian counselors and pastors. I appreciate Dr. Warshak's work and his speaking out on behalf of those who cannot or do not know how. I wanted to let everyone know Divorce Poison has benefited at least one person. I hope others will find it and read it in their time of need.

I enjoyed the book and found it very useful not only in terms of realising what my ex was doing but in checking I wasn't contributing to the poison in anyway. It also helped put everything in perspective, assured me it wasn't my imagination and that I really did have to be proactive about the situation or risk loosing my child emotionally. My child is not quite three yet and so there weren't many techniques I could use - other than remain loving, patient, positive and supportive. However the techniques I could use worked well. I am lucky enough to be the primary care-giver too which helps a lot but I was still struggling to get through to my child sometimes. I would thoroughly recommend this book for anyone who is worried. Trust your instincts. Read this book. Follow what it says. It works.

I would highly recommend DIVORCE POISON by Dr. Warshak as a loving Mother of four children I have experienced ongoing Parental Ailenation from my ex-husband since our divorce over 7 years ago. Being the better person I tried to maintain a positive cooperative relationship with my ex-husband so that we could effectively co-parent together. Unfortunately, I was not aware of the severe brainwashing and mental manipulation that was occurring from my ex-husband to turn the children against me. It began with our oldest child turning against me for no reason and wanting to spend all of her time with her father, I was very supportive of whatever my child wanted to do (not realizing that it would be years before I would again have real contact with her and she also avoided her maternal Grandparents, cousins, etc). It got so bad that my own daughter testified against me in court about negative lies regarding my home. My daughter finally “woke up” once she was 19 and no longer a financial benefit to her father and he could care less if she had a place to live so she came home to me. My ex-husband has tried this same pattern of alienation against the younger children giving them unlimited freedom and no rules and constantly trying to turn the younger children against me with no valid reasoning behind it. This led me to research what was occurring and this led me to Dr. Warshak’s book and his wonderful tools to help combat this type of mental manipulation that the children have to endure to constantly choose one parent over the other. With Dr. Warshak’s tools I have learned to remain calm, enjoy my time with the children and fight to keep all of my parenting time and to not give in and let the children or my ex-husband dictate when I will see the children. Being a passive supporting mother I needed the tools from Dr. Warshak to guide me to help me to break through to all four of my children and to realize that the children needed me to help them survive this abuse and to not give up trying to save my bond with the children. I would highly recommend this book for anyone going through a divorce with a vengeful, disturbed ex spouse; knowledge is power and your children need you to not give up on them. Thank you Dr. Warshak!

This is a well written book. Dr. Warshak deserves an award for being able to see the destruction happening to some children after or during divorce situations when one parent, for whatever reasons, makes it their life mission to turn their child/children against the other parent. Dr. Warshak not only is able to see the problem from multi-perspectives but is able to provide valuable tools to help a person survive such a crisis, should it occur. I am a loving father of five children. Immediately after my divorce my children began distancing themselves from me. I thought at first it was just the trauma of the divorce, but throughout time I began to be forwarded Facebook posts telling the public I had abused my children and do not pay child support. My daughter would post similar things alleging that I did not care about my them (my children) and did not care if they had food to eat or clothes to wear. I was even contacted by a former employee I had to fire a few years back, claiming my children's mother was trying to lay guilt trips on him about my treatment of the children. My children began blocking me from their phones, refusing to come for holidays, or scheduled residential time. I have gone months without contact, of any kind, from my older children. When I show up for visits and my children do no come, law enforcement will not respond even with my court order in hand. My children have gone as far as to block me and all my relatives from social media and have refused contact with them. I am a father that kissed my children good night each night, and was fully immersed in their everyday lives. I have never missed a child support payment. I was completely confused and tried many good faith efforts to stay patient and wait for things to blow over. It was not until I read Divorce Poison did I open my eyes to this problem and realize that even a loving father like me could have my children turned against me given the right circumstances. I have had to thicken my skin and suffer tremendous emotional insults by my children and my ex-wife, but without Dr. Warshak providing this practical advice, I may have just given up. The pain at times has kept me up at night, questioning the motives behind such cruelty from my once loving children that used to follow me around the house everyday. Now however I know this is what I can say...READ THIS BOOK... Don't ignore the signs, this problem is very real. As I read the book, I felt like it was written for me. I would also highly recommend that you buy the DVD too, Welcome Back Pluto to watch with your children also by Dr. Warshak. Divorce Poison is very real. I would never have believed my children could be lead astray by false information, bad attitude, or embellishment of pieces of information taken out of context or aggregated to purposely mislead. Children should not have to endure the emotional trauma that surrounds this poison inflicted upon them. While it may be impossible to avoid, arming yourself with knowledge will help both you and your children to survive and continue to rebuild the loving relationship you once had. Now that I know what I know, I am going back to court and hoping this problem is recognized by the judges in the county where I live. There is no easy answer, but reading this book truly helps a person understand the process of alienation and the strength it will take to overcome it. God Bless each good mother or father that is having to go through this emotional assassination, stay strong. UPDATE: I cannot say enough not to give up on your children. I was able to go to court and outline my journey through parental alienation. The judge believed me. For the first time in two and a half years my daughters came willingly to my home for eleven days. Before the judge sent my ex-wife a very strong message and found her in contempt of court in multiple areas, my daughters would not come willingly with me for any length of time or with any consistency. My daughters would send me very strong messages of disdain and often rude messages that lacked any emotion at all. The first few days of their time with me were awkward and somewhat tense, however eventually they began to relax. Our relationships are far from healed but we were finally able to open a new chapter of our lives. I look forward to watching them grow up and to be an active part of their lives. I am sure there will be many more obstacles to jump, but in my case, the legal system was on my side. Like Dr. Warshak says, be ready to toughen your skin and try to be as non-reactive as possible. Keep good data. Take the high road and don't get caught up in the emotional destruction going on, be strong. Good luck and read this book. It worked for me.

I wish that I had read Divorce Poison 3 years ago, when divorce was imminent. I did not, but the information and lessons can still be very helpful. I plan to update this review in the future when I have more experience with how Divorce Poison and the lessons learned has helped my daughter and I reconnect. She deserves to have a loving, caring, capable father in her life. I have highlighted ten sections in the book for my future reference. One of those sections that I think is very valuable is the recommendation to apologize for my role in triggering the end of the marriage (pg. 239, Wright the Wrong). Coincidentally, a good friend of mine made a very similar recommendation just days before I read it in Divorce Poison. That's a good first step, the journey may be long. I was too passive in handling the bad mouthing and bashing from my ex. The biggest challenge of the divorce for me has been the rupture of my relationship with my (now 13 year old) daughter, although my relationship with my two younger boys appears to be strong and healthy. I should have seen signs of the manifestation of alienation when my daughter was expressing a strong preference to not spend time with me while we were mediating a divorce settlement and custody schedule. I ended up agreeing to a flexible schedule with my daughter, with a minimum of 2 days every other week, which was less time than I have with my boys. Our relationship has slowly eroded since then, and now she refuses to come stay at my house during scheduled time, ignores my calls and texts, or will reply back to simple inquiries with "would you stop texting me when you don’t need to thanks." I love her very much, and it is a bitter pill to receive her rejection and try to remain calm and loving. About 1 month ago I was surprised and shocked to be served with a petition from my ex that requests the court to reduce my custody of my daughter, from the already limited time of 2 days every other week, to zero. I came across Divorce Poison since then, and am using this information and better understanding of alienation to help navigate solutions out of court, and also preparing to go to court for trial if that is necessary. It feels like my relationship with my daughter is under attack, and I need to take an assertive stand to defend that relationship. I want to be a positive role model for my daughter, and make sure that she has a healthy relationship and support from both of her parents. - A Hurting Father

I believe I read where a clear majority of the perpetrators (not all) are women. It is such a shame that children are dragged into the divorce by a parent. The children hurt enough without this added feeling that they must lose one of their parents to appease the other. Mothers have an important role but fathers also have an important role in raising healthy and well adjusted children. Shame on these parents who work at damaging their ex-spouses child/parent bond. For those parents that are victims of this, don’t wait too long to take corrective action. Read this book and learn the appropriate ways of dealing with your ex’s poison. I took the supposed high road and did not correct my ex’s destructive poisoning of my children and now my children don’t talk to me. My kids were in college at the time the divorce started and I could not go to the court to get my ex to stop. Through their mother’s coaching, they now justify their actions by telling me that “you’re not only hurting mom, you’re hurting me too”. Other than reaching out to them, sending them gifts on their birthdays and Christmas, paying for ½ their college and trying to see them whenever they respond to my calls or text message, I have done nothing to them but try to love and reconnect with them. Their mother would not talk to my attorney about working anything out, went to trial and did not like the outcome which was fair. The outcome was pretty close to what the judge said in pretrial. She has been hiding money from the business we built together and which she got in the divorce settlement and now she is telling the kids that she is broke. I don’t consider $200k broke. The judge near put her in jail for lying but although a parent can’t necessarily get away with it in court, there is nothing to stop this lying to your children. This book is not talking about parents who keep their children away from truly abusive parents but one must separate their relationship with the ex spouse from that spouses relationship with the children. Don’t hurt your children. Get this book and get the help of a good family therapist. I emailed the author and he gave me the name of a very good therapist, although it was too late for I don’t have court directed rights to see my children. It is at their complete discretion as to whether they want to keep in contact with me and right now they are not communicating. Don’t wait.