The Haunted Vagina Paperback – October 21, 2015

The story is in my opinion derived from Alice in Wonderland, but with a sexual twist. Quite an enjoyable read on a rainy day.

As bizarro goes, this is is a high-water mark.If you're new to the genre or the author, this is an excellent 'jumping in point' - or crawling in point, to reference the novel.It's short at 100 pages and can be read in one or two sittings.Fast paced, odd, with so many left turns it might be straight in the end.Loved the unpredictability of it all.

Up until two days ago, I had never heard of Carlton Mellick III and his work. That all changed when my Facebook wall was bombarded by countless posts about his book, The Haunted Vagina. I'll admit, the title drew me in, the cover hooked me, and after going back and forth in the comments section of one of those posts, I just HAD to check this book out.When I first made my way to the book's Amazon page, I noticed two things; first, the book is 100 pages long and second, the cost for the Kindle version was $5. Personally, I think that's a bit steep for the number of pages and considering I don't know this author. Had it been a Dakota Cassidy book, I wouldn't have hesitated to buy it, but this was not the case.Still, I was very intrigued, so I sampled the first page. After reading that one page, and laughing at the absurdity of what I was reading, I 1-clicked that sucka! It was on! I decided, because so many people were talking about the book, but no one was actually buying it, that I would do a tweet by tweet account of my experience as I read my copy - something I have never done before, but felt this was the perfect book to do it with. (And can I just say that I have never been retweeted as much as when I did this.)Thus began my strange and unusual journey into the mind of Carlton Mellick. Bizarre doesn't even begin to describe The Haunted Vagina. It is a twisted tale of a mean, bossy girl named Stacey and her spineless boyfriend Steve, who gets coerced into entering Stacey's vagina after an odd oral sex session ends up with a full grown skeleton coming OUT of Stacey's vagina.The details are what make this book great. The play by play of Steve getting stripped, shaved, lubed, and then inserted into Stacey was morbidly fascinating - those were my favorite parts, whenever something came in or out of Stacey. The other world that's inside Stacey - with skeletons, and anime-demon-looking girls, is so vividly written; it's strange yet beautiful at the same time.During my conversations on Facebook, many people expressed concern that this book was going to be misogynistic. Now, I'm not overly sensitive to those kinds of things, but because so many people mentioned it, I was more aware while reading than I normally would be. Personally, I don't think the story was misogynistic. There was a particular part where some people might feel that way, but the only reason why I picked up on it was because we talked about misogyny. Otherwise I wouldn't have really noticed - I wasn't offended by any of it. If anything, I would say the story as a whole is more misandrogynistic.But like I said, I'm not overly sensitive and have nothing negative to say about The Haunted Vagina. I found it to be very creative, unusual, morbid, funny as hell, and just about the best thing I've ever read. Definitely worth the $5. The only thing that would make The Haunted Vagina better, is if they turned it into a movie. But not produced the way movies are produced nowadays. It would have to be done in the style of an 80's B horror movie complete with music, lighting, and special effects from that decade. And no editing or altering of the manuscript - it needs to be done as is! That would be the most amazing thing in the entire world.Tweet by Tweet account of The Haunted Vagina:1. I don't blame you buddy, I'd be scared too...then again, I do like the macabre so I may not be so scared.2. How do u not notice your GF's vagina is haunted? Were they hiding? Lulling you into a false sense of security?3. Next time someone is near a vagina, can ya tell me if it's like listening to the ocean? Thanks!4. "How did a ghost get in there?" Right? How does one get accustomed to wailing coming from your lady parts?5. “What’s a priest going to do? Stick a cross up there and cast the spirits out?” Sounds like a porn I once saw...6 There's nothing sexier than a crusty lower lip.7. "I didn’t even consider leaving her because of her ghost vagina." Now THAT'S love!8. Consumed by her? Oh, not yet, buddy. Not yet. But you will be!9. She thought you were cute and SMALL? She was sizing you up from the beginning!10. Kinda mean. He can't be in her band & the weird things she does that he finds cute, she finds annoying in him.11. "She's the best person in the world to be around when she's happy." Oh uh...12. Why can't she just blow him? Unless her mouth is haunted too...13. Only the vagina is haunted, people. Her butt is ghost-free!14. Yeah, I'd imagine you'd be scared of giving her oral...15. ...she calls her clit "glowworm" - Does it glow in the dark?16. What a wackadoodle! She's making fish faces at him while they 69!? *snorts* I think her brain is also haunted.17. and you're just as weird for getting turned on by her fish face!!! #CantStopLaughing18. Earthquake!? Look out, she's gonna erupt!19. Oh shoot, they know his name!20. Whoa, and he's still going at it. The things Steve does for love...21. Thriller is playing in the background while I read this LOL.22. OMGGGG - is her stomach gonna rip open!? You guys are that sex deprived that you don't stop to investigate?23. OHMIGOD A HAND JUST EXPLODED OUT OF HER VAGINA!!!24. They need to make this into a movie!25. Finally, you're afraid of your own vagina! And it only took a skeleton coming out of you to instill fear.26. ...is it cold in there?27. I wouldn't be surprised of that skeleton turned out to be one of her ex boyfriends that fell in.28. What is he supposed to do!? Just finish giving birth to that damn skeleton, woman!29. "I pick up a turtle-shaped lamp & hit the skeleton with it." - Guess that's something u could do. Not much help...30. Sure hope mixing your blood with the corpse doesn't result in something.31. OH it's growing flesh now. Yeah, blood does that to skeletons trying to scurry out of haunted vaginas.32. and here comes the organs...33. OMG - she had an imaginary friend at 6 that would come out of her vagina! Betcha it was that skeleton.34. Aww poor Stacey, her haunted vagina scared away her first love! (*snorts*)35. Whoa! Her arm is in there all the way to her elbow!!!36. Girl, I ain't looking inside ur vagina where a full grown skeleton came out a few hours earlier! #CrayCray37. Of course you can't say no to her. Gawd, Steve, can you be any more spineless?38. What, suddenly you're not scared of her vagina?39. Don't think regular sex with Stacey is gonna work anymore. Better buy some BIG insertion toys40. "The more I drink, the more retarded I become." Uh, yeah Steve. YEAH!41. Don't do it, man! You don't wanna go in there!42. If you love me, you'll climb inside my vagina.43. WHO will climb inside, Steve? No one else would do it! Things are climbing OUT not IN!44. How do you know nothing's gonna happen to him? Have your had other boyfriends climb inside your vagina before?45. Duh, Steve - you can't go inside with your clothes on. Everyone knows THAT.46. Why are you taking your clothes off, Stacey? You're not going in with him.47. Am I the only 1 that thinks this is a trick & she's just feeding her BFs 2 her vagina? Surefire way 2 serial kill.48. “What if I suffocate? What if you stop being stretchy once I’m in there?” - Legit concerns.49. "It's going to happen whether you like it or not." - Uh, I don't think u can FORCE someone to climb inside ur vajayjay.50. You seriously just cut off all his hair? And you let her!? DUDE!51. I really just wanna pop this crazy chick in the mouth!52. HOLY BOB!!!53. ...whoa... :-O O_o54. LMAO! Human penis! BAHAHAHAHA!55. "Maybe it leads to another vagina. Maybe this is a tunnel between dimensions connected by two women’s vaginas." - How great is this book?56. He sees sky!57. There's termites in there!? Guess I shouldn't be surprised, after all, there's a SKY in there.58. Gawd, this popcorn bag is harder to open than Stacey's vagina.59. She put pants on!!! Why!? Cuz she's trying to trap him in her vagina!!! #KnewIt60. Why da hell are you driving, chick!? You know your BF crawled inside your damn vagina! He's bound to come out!61. We're calling it "the womb world"62. Oh sure, just walk on the skeleton residue like it's nothing.63. She wants him to go back inside! I hope one of the "supplies" she bought was a damn ladder!64. ROFLMAO! She wants to assemble a team of people that'll go INSIDE HER VAGINA!!!! I can't with this book!65. This is like a perverse sequel to Honey I Shrunk the Kids.66. "What, are you going to invite some spelunkers over and spread your legs for them." - Apparently...67. "I'm not camping out in your vagina overnight." This is the funniest ish I've ever read in my entire life!68. "Not in my vagina. In my womb." Oh, well ok then!69. Masturbation can kill in The Haunted Vagina.70. Haha, Steve just peed on a tree inside her womb. *snorts* (why do I find that so funny? I have no clue, but I do!)71. Sure those trees look normal enough, but they're inside your GF's womb. Just saying...72. Steve, take a selfie!73. Is that table supposed to be made out of one of Stacey's eggs?74. It's a latex-skinned anime character that lives inside Stacey.75. Anime girl's name is Fig and she has no nipples.76. Oh shoot, what's she gonna do to him?77. Whaaaat? I don't even know what I'm reading anymore! But it's freaking fantastic!78. Things just got weird...err...weirder than they already were.79. Dude, I think you're reaching.80. Whoa, now he hates a bunch of things about Stacey...way to change your tune, buddy.81. This is so bizarre...82. This turned into one weird love story between Fig and Steve.83. Finished! That was the most hysterically bizarre thing I have EVER read. It was amazing!

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘢𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘝𝘢𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘉𝘺 𝘊𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘵𝘰𝘯 𝘔𝘦𝘭𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘐𝘐𝘐Nope that’s not a typo. Yep you read that right. It’s really a book about a haunted vagina. I said it.I got this book on a dare from my husband and wasn’t expecting a masterpiece by any means but didn’t really know what to expect. I mean come on. A haunted vagina. What the hell.So it turns out that this chick Stacy has just that. And one night with her boyfriend a life size skeleton craws out of it. They clobber it to “death” I guess (because I mean it’s a skeleton, it’s already dead) and she decides she wants her boyfriend Steve to physically climb inside of her and see what is inside the “portal” because they can see a light inside. I literally cannot make this up.So Steve gets inside somehow and there’s a whole world. Trees, forests, skeletons, and a rubbery bunny looking humanesque creature named Fig. Fig wants Steve to stay and be with her. Steve wants to get the eff out of there but she traps him and he’s stuck. He starts transforming into a rubbery bunny creature himself and he stays with Fig. It legit just gets weirder from there. I won’t finish it. If you can handle this book. You read it and finish it for yourself. Because I think I’m a bit scarred from it 🤣🤣.So if you’ve stuck with me thus far, there ya go. It’s called the bizarro genre for a reason.

After a passionate evening of love-making, Steve's girlfriend's vagina starts making weird, eldritch noises. And when Stacey's ghoulish gash produces a full-sized human skeleton it becomes clear that she has a haunted hole. There's only one thing for it. She persuades him to grab a torch, dive in and do some ghost-busting.The improbably named and effusively mutton-chopped Carlton Mellick III seems to be a big name in "Bizzarro" fiction, a genre characterised by an extreme surrealism/absurdism. Mellick's work is known for it's hyper-sexual themes, gore and eye-catching titles. It is a huge shame that works such as "Baby-Jesus ButtpIug", "The Morbidly Obese Ninja", "Razor Wire Pubic Hair" and "I Knocked Up Satan's Daughter: A Demonic Romantic Comedy" are unlikely ever to find themselves on Richard and Judy's Summer Reading List.However, if this offering is anything to go by, Mr Mellick is being under-sold. Ok, it's not exactly the highest of haute fiction, but there's much more to this than is suggested by the trashy title. For a start, this novella is actually rather well written in a sparse, understated way. True enough, there's some extreme explicit and very surreal sex but its neither pornographic nor gratuitous. Instead, The Haunted Vagina is an incongruously mature, intimate and rather poignant (albeit Cronenburgesque) love story. The characters are engagingly sweet and the story deals with some serious sexual themes.Don't be put off by the title. I wasn't. It was the title (I'm a little ashamed to say) that sold it to me, but I certainly didn't get what I was expecting.'"I also got you a sleeping bag and some food," she says, "if you want to camp out over night."'"I'm not camping out in your vagina overnight," I tell her.'

Surearl and very funny. This book, which basically does exactly what its title suggests is surreal and funny. Amazon recommended it to me, I have no idea why. And its title was so out there that I bought a copy. Its very short but also vividly imagined. The main protagonist is interesting and likeable as is the other main protagonist who he meets during his journey.If I were going to over analyse I'd say it has a 'deep symbolic meaning about life's journey' and maybe you can read that into it. But really its a funny story about a haunted vagina. I'm glad I read it. Its very funny and pretty short.Just a warning its also pretty explicit and rude in places.

I've always loved a book about "other places", I didn't think I'd ever read about one such realm being accessable via a vagina but I found myself wanting more. Once the story crosses into the alternate world it's easy to forget about the vaginal aspect of the story but the actual journey from our place of being to the other will be imprinted on your soul for a long time.

At a scant ninety pages, Carlton Mellick III's bittersweet love story, The Haunted Vagina, is a great entry point into the world of bizarro fiction. It starts with a meet-cute and descends into insanity when Steve and Stacy get together, and strange noises emanate from her lady parts. Before long, she's asking him to make an expedition into the twisted, R-rated Narnia in her nether regions, and while it's not for everyone... I could get into it. Simple, sweet, as a tale about a haunted vagina, can be, and to the point, it's a bit like if R.L. Stine suddenly decided to write R-Rated smut.

Some of it was predictable, the writing wasn't the greatest but it was fun from start to finish and I really liked it.I'd also like to mention that I can appreciate the uniqueness of the plot idea.