When Your Man Is on the Spectrum

First, I should mention that I'm one of the women who filled out the original questionnaire, so I received this book without charge.  My ex was one of the officially diagnosed ones, but I didn't find out until several months into our relationship.  I thought it wouldn't be a problem since everything was still great at that point, but I truly didn't understand that the person he had been presenting himself as was not the real him at all.  I didn't know that the person I loved was basically a mask he wore to get along in the world.  A mask that exhausted him to wear.  I didn't know that it couldn't last.  This book explains my experiences better than I ever could.  I've also come to realize that several other men I have dated in the past were almost certainly on the spectrum.  Apparently we attract each other, and this book also goes into why this may happen to us over and over again.I truly enjoyed reading it.  I really loved the individual stories and was able to relate to all of them in one way or another.  The data is presented in an interesting way.  I didn't find it to be dry or boring, and it kept my attention all the way through.  I appreciate the fact that things weren't sugar-coated.  I love that this book acknowledges how extremely difficult it is for the people in these situations.  Yes, there is hope for people who want to stay with their partner, but it's a different flavor of hope.  We have to let go of the expectations of a "normal" relationship.  It's more of a situationship rather than a traditional relationship.  This book explains ways for both partners to be happier in their situationship, if that is their choice.It's been several years since my previous situationship, so I didn't come into this book with highly charged emotions, confusion, or exhaustion.  For me, this book was a validation, plus more information that can help me make healthier choices in the future.  For someone who is still in a situationship, this book could save their life.  I remember very clearly what it was like to feel like I was losing my mind.  I couldn't figure out which one of us was delusional.  I remember being unable to go to work or sleep due to having a bit of a nervous breakdown.  The first part of the relationship was so wonderful.  It gave me hope for a loving, sharing, caring, reciprocal relationship in which I was a priority to my partner, but that crashed and burned out of seemingly nowhere.  The confusion is crazy-making, and it seemed like nobody wanted to talk about the partners in these relationships and what we go through.  At the time, everything I found on the subject was geared toward how we could make life better for THEM and make changes to suit THEM and understand THEM better, nobody was talking about how to help US cope with all of it.  Nobody was offering US real, validating support except for a few online forums which were often trolled by people calling us "hateful" because we dared to say that life with our partners on the spectrum wasn't all sunshine and unicorns.Don't get me wrong though, I don't hate my ex at all. I'm still quite fond of him, as a person.  I don't dislike people on the spectrum.  I appreciate their good qualities, and I understand how hard and exhausting it can be for them to try to deal with a world which seems alien to them. It just all seems to go wrong when there are relationship/partnership expectations.  And just like they are wired a certain way, so am I.  I've come to realize that I have relationship needs that they are unable to meet, and I am unable to meet theirs.  For one of us to be truly happy in a relationship, the other would have to be miserable, and that's not fair to anybody.  Some people whose needs are different from mine may be able to live in an amicable situationship, but I'm not one of those people.This book is a beacon in a dark area which desperately needed illuminating.  I hope this book is the catalyst for many new studies on the subject, and that it helps spread more awareness.  Let's get the word out that we are not obligated to sacrifice our lives, health, and sanity for the sake of trying to force a square peg into a round hole. We all deserve to be happy.  Our lives are important too.

I am an unmarried man who has some (not all) of the qualities that Dr. Arad describes as belonging to men on the spectrum. This, along with recommendation from my therapist, has encouraged me to get an assessment to know for sure. With more understanding of myself, hopefully I can avoid mistreating a potential future girlfriend / wife in the ways that Dr. Arad describes in this book.

Be clear, this book explores struggles many women (non-spectrum in this book) face in a relationship when their "man is on the spectrum". Be clear on that. I read a few other reviews that seemed unclear on this.For me, it was like I was reading about my relationship; we could be a chapter. I’m so thankful to see neurodivergencies in relationships being explored. I’m honestly grateful to know I’m not alone and I’m not out-to-lunch on what I’ve experienced and how I’ve reacted. But... I’m also saddened and enlightened in this validation. Wow, just wow. These are the words that I could not find while trying to communicate what I faced in this relationship to our counselors, my counselor, him his mom. Some of whom have received copies of this book from me. I came at it as if it were me that alone “made” him that way and owned it all. I was forever unable to bring resolution and gain forgiveness. Don’t get me wrong, we both have our parts. Progress outside of the awful cycle was impossible when I could not be seen for me and only could be seen in the framing of his narrative about me, while I accepted fault far beyond my scope of responsibility and thus perpetuated the story. Eye opening and insightful when you can see it through the proper lens. This book certainly shifted the dynamic for me realizing I was taking so much of it personally when it simply was not.

Dr. Pnina Arad’s book should be required reading in every social work program and for every individual entering the therapy/counseling arena.She has presented a well-researched, articulate and straightforward accounting of the psychological complexity and distress experienced by women involved in neurodiverse relationships (in other words, neurotypical women and men with or suspected to be with autism spectrum disorder).Since it is estimated that at least 1 in 40 males are on the autism spectrum, anyone working with female clients or with couples certainly will encounter these issues, and it is so important that they be recognized, as many particularly giving, sensitive and empathetic women are suffering in such relationships without the understanding of why they feel so bad/sad.In all my reading about ASD and relationships, I have never encountered a more prescient and astute book.

This catchy title builds on the literature review by including comprehensive results of research conducted by the author. Relatable stories from case files and quotes from participants in the research set the stage for exploring how a neurodiverse relationship is significantly different from a neurotypical relationship, and the effect such a relationship has on the physical and mental state and sense of well-being of neurotypical women. This is a book about empowerment. The author offers clear pathways for considering realities and options. What stands out are: considering possible sources for the attraction, ways to trust intuition, encouraging steps if both parties are willing to repair, and strategizing practically to end it if the relationship has no more life. Most importantly, she offers suggestions for healing and transformation. I can imagine a feature length film made based on this book, to raise awareness on this condition. – ER, written after reading review copy.

This book is basically just a bunch of anecdotes from Israelis without any real substance, just a bunch of filler. It has a firm anti-ASD stance that would make it required reading for anti-ASD hate groups. If you're looking for something helpful, look elsewhere.

I had this book recommended to me as a means of understanding how such relationships affect the women involved. It proved enlightening and of great assistance in helping me see things more clearly.I am so pleased that Dr Prina Arad wrote this book. I do hope too that it furthers more research into such relationships. I strongly advise relationship counselors, who know very little about what it is like for women who live with an AS partner (diagnosed or not) to read this. There are an awful lot of women out there trapped in such relationships, that need guidance, help and support. This book does just that and helps such women feel they are not alone. It offers a lifeline to survive. Big thanks to the Author - well done.

I found this book really informative and made me put things into perspective. Realising that my husband and I “speak different languages” has given me a greater understanding and tolerance of our problems over the years. For the first time in many years, I am feeling more positive and ready to take on the challenge of trying to understand and make our marriage work. Thank you so much.

Reader, Run from this book. The promise is that partners of aspies will get helpful advice. I can sum up the main tenets here: Get divorced or don’t, and if you don’t, find your fulfillment in a hobby and meditation because you will be functionally alone. These are exit strategies not relationship ones.The traits of aspies are not outlined or grappled with. Rather, anecdotes are chosen for shock value: he wants sex three times a day, even when I’m sleeping; he blames me for everything that’s wrong; and something else having nothing to do with any distinctives of an aspie. Complete lack of logical rigor or narrative skill, a thesis in the raw without commercial polish or delivery of the promised goods. The best bits are insightful quotes from other people’s work, which do hint at some of the characteristics of aspies.Having lived in married exasperation for 18 years with what I thought was a self-absorbed narcissist, the realization of what was really going on has led to a further decade of tender exploration, with mutual humour, of all that makes these sensitive people worth decoding. Yes it still is a challenging relationship, but not impossible (in my case), and with many hard-won fruits gained from persevering over the long haul.Reader, pick up just about any other book on this subject and you will be better-served.

This book offers insight, validation and acknowledgement of the pain, suffering and difficulties faced by women who are married to men on the ASD spectrum. if you feel lost, lonely and despondent, this is the book for you.

If you're in a relationship with someone who is on the autism spectrum make sure you read this very informative and interesting book. Highly recommended.