Tell Me What You Want: The Science of Sexual Desire and How It Can Help You Improve Your Sex Life

The author really delivers on his title. This is a practical guide on how to implement a science based methodology based on communicating what you each want that looks like it can greatly improve committed relationships. Head and shoulders above other books in this genre.

Read the book, but was not what I expected. It was ok

Written in the clear, warm tone that characterizes all of Lehmiller’s work, this book helps the reader feel comfortable with their own erotic imagination and guides them in how to talk about their desires with their sex partner.

I respect the scientific research and thought put into writing this book. The entire book is based off of the largest study to date on sexual fantasies of Americans.The main takeaway: this could be a good educational resource if you have not had very good sexual education. But otherwise, it falls short of what I would recommend. I really feel it would have been better presented and just as easily digestible as a 2,000-word Atlantic article or written as a publication in a similar other outlet.I actually do recommend this book if you feel ashamed about your sexual identity or fetishes, you have a hard time communicating with their partners about sex, or you don't know a lot about specific sexual taboos, including but not limited to BDSM, group sex, and gender-bending (cross-dressing, for example). For sexually conservative or shy Americans, this is an excellent book that could greatly help people better understand their sexuality and what defines being "normal," as well as get some ideas for how to communicate in relationships in a healthy way.Having said that, this is not a well-written book. Specifically, the editing fails spectacularly. Honestly, this book should be about half the length it is. It is extremely pedantic and nearly every concept is over-explained to the point of exhaustion. I'm not exactly a sexual deviant, but I did not need the level of detail for each fantasy explained this extensively. Ask yourself: do you need a 6-page primer on what the acronym BDSM stands for? If the answer is yes, then you should definitely read this book. If not, then this book might not be for you. If you need a book that reminds you every 3-4 pages that a specific fantasy is "not weird, and okay to have as long as everyone is safe and you aren't hurting anyone," then you should buy this book. I, personally, don't need that much coaching. Perhaps I drastically over-estimate the common sense of most Americans, but to me, the insights gleamed from the giant research study which resulted in this book are interwoven too tightly with what I feel are obvious statements like "it's illegal to expose yourself to strangers," and that makes the book frustrating to read.My other problem is that the book advises looking for outlets to help explore certain fantasies like nonmonogamy, group sex, and BDSM, but does not go into detail about any specific meetup groups, dungeons, clubs, sex parties, sex toys, or online communities to facilitate that. The author only off-handedly mentions FetLife once and does not otherwise point you towards any particular resources to help you find what he says you should look for. Every time an interesting point was made or my ears perked up at a research finding, the book failed to follow up with any real details. And while specific sexual fantasies from the study are quoted near the beginning of the book, that goes away entirely after the second or third chapter, leaving you with somewhat vague findings. The author doesn't even really commit to any of the broad advice given near the end of the book, adding a paragraph-long caveat after every single idea that says "but this might not work" or "but I'm not saying this is definitely the answer." One disclaimer at the beginning of the book could have replaced literally 20 percent of this book that consists entirely of disclaimers. I'm not exaggerating.Finally, the science is nearly all correlation, and a huge chunk of the causation is speculative. The phrase "this may be because..." is everywhere, and even more disclaimers are given when the author guesses as to why something might be. Granted, some citations are made when explaining concepts rooted in previous research, but this is the exception, not the rule. And he also leans on evolutionary biology quite a bit for some claims, which can actually be somewhat contentious in the scientific community. So while you'll learn what's "normal" and what fantasies people have, the "science" behind it all is a bit smoke-and-mirrors. More research will need to take place before many of the ideas in this book are validated.This review is coming from a relatively liberal young adult with a lot of familiarity in the fields of science and sexuality, so you might love the book if you're not me. I hope you find this review helpful, and that future editions fix some of the issues with this first run.

A group of friends and I purchased Dr. Lehmiller’s book with the goal of doing a 3-week book club, and I’m glad we approached it this way. Reading this with a group of people gave us the opportunity to talk about and reflect on what we found most compelling, surprising (or not surprising), or resonated with us.Dr. Lehmiller discusses his research findings through a very informative, yet casual voice. I appreciated being able to learn about the sexual fantasies of a large group of Americans, and compare them against my own thoughts and actions.For those who have a sexually-positive mindset, or would like to learn how to, I would definitely recommend giving this a read.And, as I mentioned, I definitely recommend the approach of a book club read with close friends. It’s very helpful to be able to discuss these very interesting topics as they come up.

I listened to this on audible and synched with my kindle copy. People and their fantasies and desires are fascinating. Since I am a lawyer with clients in alternative lifestyle communities, I expect to use the research cited when arguing on behalf of my clients in the future.

Justin Lehmiller created the perfect book on sexual fantasies (and, therefore, sexuality in general). He based the book on a massive data set which gives him more credibility than anybody else out there. But, equally importantly, he makes the results readable, interesting, relevant, and useful. He slices and dices the data in all sorts of different ways which allows him to extract an amazing variety of lessons. I can't even guess at the hours spent poring over the data to learn everything that he did, but the world is a better place for his tireless efforts. The only thing better than reading this book is your partner also reading it and then the two of you discussing it.

I felt like the book lacked depth, though it did have plenty of detail and stastitics. Regarding sexual fantasies, this book seems to deviate significantly in content and concept from works like those of Dr. Ruth and others.

This book is the culmination of a large amount of research into sexual desires.The author conducted his research across a cross section of genders and orientations, and is able to conclude a few things about how we might do and should deal with our desires.I found the conclusions drawn by the author, based on his research, to be insightful and of value. It didn't take me long to read the book as I found it so interesting. Well worth a read

Well written book. Bought the book after listening to the authors interview on the Dr. Phil podcast on relationships. It is very interesting. I can definitely see the differences between Male and female fantasies as described in the book now that I have read the book.

One of the best books I have ever read and as someone studying to be a sex therapist and sex educator, I cannot stress the importance of this book enough. A lot of people today find it's easier to have sex than to talk about it, hopefully this book kick starts a long overdue conversation about sex.

I thought the books was alright, the writing is engaging, I just didn’t really anything new (but maybe that’s because I spend too much time on reddit’s sex subredit).

Lehmiller manages to make reading sex research interesting!