How He Gets Into Her Head: The Mind of the Male Intimate Abuser

I liked how thorough this book was. It really gets you thinking and opens your mind. Valuable information and well written.

This book is by far the best book that I ever read on the topic of domestic violence. I have learned to have more compassion on myself after reading this book. I discovered the tactics of brainwashing used by my abuser. I have learned that his abuse was intentional and evil. The motive is to have power and control over me. I have learned why he targeted me: I had no boundaries, I put others needs before my own and I was in a vulnerable place when we met. He was my night in shining armor who came to my rescue. After we married and I became pregnant, the abuse began. He told me that I could not think for myself and he was the only one who could think for me. I learned to speak his language and doubt my own thoughts. If I dared say the word abuse, he would rage that I was abusing him! I learned how he got into my head and how I lost touch with reality. I learned his tactics of targeting, setting up and grooming that are very similar to what pedophiles use on their victims. I cannot say enough praises for this book!

Many good books exist on the topic, few are really good books to help the victims, THIS one will make the tactics of the abuser perfectly clear! When I fist read this book I found myself journaling and gaining many new insights and discoveries. It empowered me to understand more of what was happening and also safe guard against those well meaning people who can’t help but fall into the abuser’s trap because yes, the abusers can be that charming… especially to others. Parts felt so familiar it was as if the author was watching what had happened in my life. I understood the dynamics better than I could through reading any other book. For example, understanding how the victimizer chose his target. Years of research have gone into this author’s writing and I recommend this book over any other. It does seem abusers work from a manual and this book makes sense of their harmful damaging behavior. If you are looking for help to understand what keeps you trapped, I recommend reading this book. If you know someone suffering, I recommend reading this book. It will help people gain insights on how and why the abuser’s tactics are so insidious.

The author recounts the steps an abuser uses in a systematic fashion to “hook” a target in. Everything I am reading rings true. And the abuser, Henessey writes, structures his (her) grooming of the target so that any abuse is the perceived by the target as their own fault. I agree that we could accomplish far more positive interventions by defining abuse according to the abuser’s behaviors instead of the abuser’s excuses for their behaviors.

This is a well written book that exposes what it says however it has two faults. First it wastes a lot of time apologizing and prancing around before it gets to the meat of the topic. The second is it blames society for expecting married couples to get along and have sex. It even goes so far as to call God's, "Go forth and multiply" a reason to elevate mens abuse. We are one flesh if anyone actually reads the Bible! I understand these woman are under a form of mind control but only they can wake up and free themselves, that does not mean I am against helping them but come on.

Don Hennessy’s “How He Gets Into Her Head” is not an easy read but has been helpful in understanding the mind of a skilled abuser. Two years ago, we learned that a loved one had been the victim of emotional, psychological, and some physical abuse. Lights then began to come on as we found reasons behind things we had long questioned. According to the author’s experience, children are also in danger since the skilled abuser “not only wishes to control the child but also wishes to use the child to further abuse the non-abusive parent” (p. 193). The weaponizing children is despicable! “The effect of the psychephile lives on in the spirit of the target woman and any children who have witnessed or experienced his influence” (p. 175). While that statement may be true, it is also possible to see confidence, joy, and peace restored to the target woman through patient and consistent counseling, listening ears, help from the church community and its leadership, and freedom from the abuser. The road may be hard and challenging, but it is do-able with grace.

Nos ayuda a entender el abuso, un tema muy mal manejado y mal entendido por muchos

My husband admitted to a whole bunch of qualities that are comparable to someone with covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder. However, this book shines a light on the evil behind abuse and how the abuser's language and conning of his victim and others keeps him in control and able to continue getting his way. This book is freeing because it names the evil behind the con through evidence and experience and focuses on the strategy of how to extricate oneself from such a situation. Unless you've experienced sexual intimate partner abuse, it is challenging to understand.

While this is written from the perspective of, and with the intended audience being the outside helpers that meet the victim, and handles how to understand what has happened and how to actually help the situation get better, I've found it to be very precise and helpful for us that have been subjected to this behaviour as well. He points very clearly to the subtle brainwashing and testing of personal integrity, or lack thereof, in the had to first do a reality shift in his understanding of how much women actually already are treated subtly as less all the time anyways. The abuse is only on a continuum of that, and that is the starting key to answering "but why did she stay". Because the abuser behaves in a way most all men do all the time, only deliberate and worsening over time. The next thing he then goes on to is unwrapping the process of brainwashing. And it's the same around the world, though culture makes some steps less important as women are already more used to ignoring their own experiences. A quick way for the abuser to get a bit more lee-way is saying he's had a terrible childhood and most often also that exes have cheated on him. This way it's easier to accept that it's your own fault that he is becoming annoyed or angry. You already know that he has so bad experiences, so what right to you have to not accept his negative behaviour towards you after you've smiled at another man, or him having become angry for you not answering a text fast enough or something. Also, he points out clearly that we all must be aware that women in/having been in a relationship with a man like this will not speak her own voice. She will describe actions with the words the abuser has given her. A hit is a slap etc. She will explain the abusers behaviour as the result of different things that she has been imprinted with from the abuser. Listen for a woman complaining about abusive behaviour, and then also saying a lot of things about why he reacted like he did. She migt say it as "he's in the wrong about that, right?" but it's still being said and explained the way he's ingrained in her. It's obvious when you hear it. Sound familiar? Then you probably will find lots of valuable knowledge in this book. He also shows quite clearly how the abuser easily get's under the skin of police and cousellors too. And how this behaviour is concious and chosen. This is very important for professionals to understand, and be aware of. The safety of the woman should be paramount, and thus it's important to not sanction him before she is safe. And how can this be achieved if the ones supposed to help her are blinded to the most important details by letting the abouser and his brainwashed victim deciding what to focus on, away from the actual problems?

Excellent description of how coercive control works in relationships. Recommended reading for anyone starting dating life, or already in an intimate relationship.

Den här boken är en av de viktigaste böcker jag läst i mitt liv och jag har läst många böcker. Om du har levt i en traumabunden, toxisk, abusive relation så rekommenderar jag dig starkt att läsa den för att förstå på vilket sätt du successivt blev hjärntvättad och till slut inte ens ägde dina egna tankar även om du trodde det. Det tog lång tid för mig att förstå hur en intelligent och stark kvinna som jag kunde hamna i en så psykiskt nedbrytande relation under så lång tid utan att ta mig ur, men när jag läste denna bok förstod jag varför och jag kunde då lättare förlåta mig själv.

Purchased the Kindle edition and it has been helpful to copy and paste the multitude of things that must be quoted and remembered from this book. The author is terrifyingly accurate in his understanding of domestic terrorism at play between the target women and the skilled offender. He is concerned that in many cases, because we do not understand the hidden dynamics, that we sometimes are contributing to the problem with our counsel. He describes how the skilled offender is able to override the common sense of the target and how he gets her to believe his words and not his actions. He talks about the offender grooms, manipulates, and brainwashes the target as well as those she goes to for help. He draws a parallel with the skill required of adult abusers and sex abusers, particularly those who prey on children. This should be a required resource for councellors, ministers, teachers, and lay people who want to help domestic abuse victims. Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, Understanding Abuse (video online) by Bob Hamp, and Speaking Out on Sex Abuse Podcast with Jimmy and Clara Hinton are other essential resources.

Awesome book. Very insightful. I will gladly recommend. It hits the nail on head head around abusive behaviour and the likelihood of change