Guns (1990) [DVD]

The movies are great, I never received the diecast cars

Let me make it clear from the outset: "Guns" is not one of the best Andy Sidaris movies: while it delivers a convoluted and corny plot, lots of pretty women, and pyrotechnics aplenty, it lacks his normal lighthearted pseudo-spoof vibe that makes some of his other films (e.g. "Picasso Trigger") work. I was honestly bored much of the time with this one, but gave it two stars overall for Erik Estrada's scenery-chewing performance as "Jack of Diamonds" (a.k.a. Juan Degas), a South American organized crime figure whose specialty is smuggling weapons from China, and who, it turns out, has a complicated backstory and relationship to our heroine Donna (Dona Speir). This should surprise no one. Sadly missing from this installment is Donna's erstwhile companion Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton), the better actress of the two. Instead we get Roberta Vasquez as the new partner Nicole. We also get a special appearance from Allegra Curtis.This film grated on me more than most and I think it's largely due to the horrible theme song, "Guns", that covers the credits on both ends of the film: even though the singer is in skimpy spangled finery, the song is so repetitive that it seems lengthier than it really is. The film opens with Juan hiring two not so bright assassins to kill Nicole. He explains his plan: "Use the cerebral approach...shoot her in the head." This is the best line of dialogue in the movie. This assassination plot involves very poor acting, and the movie in general involves much worse dialogue than normal, even for a Sidaris film. Meanwhile, Donna and Nicole are frolicking in the surf in Hawaii without a care in the world, and in a ridiculous case of mistaken identity, the killers take out the wrong girl. The violence here is not exactly convincing, but the gore is somewhat more realistic than some of the companion installments.The twist here is the assassins don women's clothing as a clever ruse, but that doesn't stop them from being chased in their escape helicopter (!) by the girls in their Cessna 172. Because all this was in Hawaii, the plot suddenly shifts to Vegas (why not?) and we get more of Edy, the amazing credits vocalist and a bit of gratuitous female oil wrestling in a dank paneled room while the plot waits on everyone to converge on Las Vegas.The Vegas portion of the film opens with a motorcycle versus ultralight aircraft chase and shootout (thank goodness Donna packed her surface to air missiles!) This is way more boring than you'd expect and has no real payoff other than padding the running time. If I asked you what did you expect to happen next, how many of you would respond "I expect extended narration about the history of the London Bridge and how it made its way to Lake Havasu, Arizona"? All of you? Good, because that's exactly what you get. This all leads up to a confrontation with an Attorney General who just happens to be Donna's mom. While that subplot is percolating, the worst magic act I have ever seen leads to a bit of police brutality. Don't worry, there's more magic to come. This devolves into a terrible love scene (key word: motorcycle) and more music from Edy, who now has Jack of Diamonds and his sleazy ex-dancer girlfriend in attendance, all of which results in a lot of passive aggressive behavior that's actually pretty amusing, mostly due to the horrendous acting involved.Because this film didn't have enough going on, there's a spontaneous ninja gym brawl which Donna resolves with her gun, and an extremely lazy fisherman who has a remote control beer delivery boat that can also deliver beer grenades. (Don't ask.) There's an extremely stupid shootout involving Degas' boneheaded girlfriend surrounded in a bathroom of mirrors, all of which amps up Degas to kidnap Donna's mom with a lot of overacting and a bit of light torture. This, needless to say, ends in a standoff hostage situation with expository backstory between Donna and Degas: it's gun versus rocket launcher. Which will win? I'll never tell. Completing the circle of life Sidaris style, the film closes as it began, with girls frolicking on the beach, and all is right in the world.Compared to some of Sidaris' more entertaining films, "Guns" is too dark without the acting chops to make it work as drama: it has a few redeeming elements that make it work as cinematic cheese, but is not a film you'll feel compelled to watch twice.

trade-in

plot outline: South American criminal Juan Degas has been using the Hawaiian islands as his base for smuggling weapons from China to Latin American. Tracking their target from Hawaii to Las Vegas, our agents must watch their backs while attempting to take down their prey.

GUNS is another installment in the Andy Sidaris magnum opus of "Bullets, Bombs, and Babes." As an overall formula it works well, but not as well as usual in this particular picture, which is a laughless letdown after HARD TICKET TO HAWAII, SAVAGE BEACH and PICASSO TRIGGER.GUNS suffers from a surfeit of gore and not enough camp. Sidaris and Co. seem more interested in showing us blood- spattered shootouts than in showcasing the more than half dozen Playboy Playmates who comprise most of this cast.It's very unlike Sidaris, the master of what's light and breezy, to show us a sheet-shrouded bloody corpse being loaded into an ambulance. Yet, in GUNS he does. It's dark and ugly and it shocks. The GUNS good guys are done in with such disturbing regularity that I began to think of going to casting call for the next film. Never mind the gunshots Andy, bring back the skin shots.Dona Speir reprises her role as Donna Hamilton, the head of a supersecret Federal spy force, L.E.T.H.A.L. (Legion to Ensure Total Harmony and Law). She is partnered with Playmate Roberta Vasquez in this film. Her former partner Taryn Kendall (Playmate Hope Marie Carlton) is nowhere in evidence, and more's the pity, because if none of these women can act, at least Hope Marie had a definite screen presence.Ms. Vasquez is about as emotive as a bag of potatoes. I was bored watching her, which just goes to show that looks aren't everything. This is true especially in regard to the two transvestite assassins (the major comic relief in what should have been a comic picture) who look like Howard Stern in high heels.Ms. Speir too, looks unusually tired, and her performance lacks the spunkiness of her earlier Sidaris films. Of all the female leads, only Playmate Cynthia Brimhall, a statuesque redhead with a pleasant singing voice, and Playmate Devin DeVasquez, who plays the "bad girl" Cash, really catch and hold your attention.The male "bad guy" lead is Jack of Diamonds, a gun smuggling Latin lover, played by CHiPs hunk and former TV star, Erik Estrada. It may have been Sidaris' ability to sign Estrada that undid this film. Estrada's career since CHiPs has largely gone South of the Border, but having someone on the set with a real acting resume forced some of the cast to try to keep up, a fatal mistake in any Sidaris film.Sidaris' charm is due to cheesy dialogue and sexual innuendo mixed with beautiful people and a change-at-will plotline. The beautiful people are there and the plot is properly absent, so the fault must lie in the writing, a largely dialogueless nod to Stallone-inspired minimalism. Without the dialogue however, there are no laughs, and GUNS sinks under the weight of its silicone-enhanced cast faster than the Titanic at tea time.This Special Edition DVD includes two installments of "Film School" in which Andy and Arlene Sidaris give us glimpses into how movies are made (and proves they do know their craft despite the "B" reputation of Andy's films). They provide us with several cast interviews, including one with the endearingly quirky Devin DeVasquez. Portions of Devin's nude videos are also included, and we get to see more of this beautiful woman than is usual in a Sidaris film. As a rule, Sidaris avoids full frontal nudity and explicit sex.Cynthia Brimhall sings in summation that, "GUNS aren't fun, unless it's love, and then I'm the one." That pretty much sums it up.