Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children Paperback – February 1, 1999

This book is enjoyable and easy to read. I read through cover-to-cover in one evening. The examples describing each "difficult behavior" were fun to read and helped relate the message in a very understandable way.The book makes an effort to deal with specific problem behaviors in a way that helps most children. Obviously, in 198 pages the authors cannot cover EVERY situation in-depth, but they do a wonderful job of grouping behaviors into broader categories which you will most likely find that your problems with your parent fit in to.I am currently a student earning my PhD in psychology, so I feel that it is important to remember that reading a book will not solve your problems- the book makes this point very thoroughly. The problem will take a lot of time and effort on your part, and possibly professional counseling, but this book is an excellent starting point.I think some people might NOT like the book because it asks the reader to take responsibility and change the only aspect of the parent-child relationship that you can- yourself. If you are looking for the book to say "you are right- your parent is wrong" you will not find that here. What you will find is how to get out of arguing with your parent, how to deflect constant criticism, and how to keep your own life and caring for your parent balanced.In summary- this book is enjoyable, easy to read, insightful, and helpful, but obviously cannot solve your problem overnight.

After reading this wonderful book, I now find I can pick it up, open it to any page, and find something to make me calm down immediately. I appreciate how the authors are always respectful of the older parent's life and situation. It helps me keep things in perspective as well as deal with more mundane and immediate struggles. The bottom line is on page 118: "... no matter how miserable your parent's controlling and manipulative ways may make you feel, your parent feels worse than you do." I also appreciate chapter 9, "How to keep from being difficult yourself." I have recommended this book to many friends. It is valuable in understanding and dealing with all interpersonal relationships.Update 2012: Eight years after I purchased this great little book my difficult parent died. Dementia softened the difficult parts, but I like to think my ability to handle our relationship, thanks to what I learned from this book, is what really improved our communication and relationship. Two days before an unexpected and mercifully quick death, we were in a situation where I asked a question and was answered with, "No, you idiot." I calmly said, "Please don't call me an idiot," which defused the situation and we moved on. Compassion rules.

There are a lot of helpful tips in this book if you are having trouble with your elder. The basis of them though is that the elder is feeling worse than you are. I don't think that is the case for me actually. I've considered no contact or moving to get away from her so I think in my case I feel worse than she does. The guilt trips, manipulation, impatience, depression, negativity, complaining, neediness, anxiety, and demands are not something I am willing to tolerate any more. After taking the test of course mine is at the worse end of the scale, so if yours is average to moderately difficult (which I think most are) I'm sure this book will be extremely helpful. I have a lot of sections of this book highlighted and there are techniques in here which I will work on. However, in my case, the only peace I seem to have is when she leaves me alone, which is rare. I feel a responsibility towards her to help, but I spend a lot of time trying to come to terms with her behavior (intellectually I know she's not being this way on purpose). I've tried boundaries but she keeps testing them with guilt. I'm currently working on meditation to calm my mind and let go of my frustration towards her. My elder has been difficult all her life (which is why I avoided her as much as possible growing up) and it only seems to be getting worse in her older years. She literally sees people in terms of what they can do for her and not as separate people with their own lives. There is just no pleasing this woman, but believe me, she wants me to keep trying. For those of you in similar circumstances with your loved one, you have my sympathy and compassion.

I found this book so helpful in caring for my father. It helped me be more compassionate and patient, while also drawing and holding boundaries.

Gave me insight on my own behavior towards my daughter. Helped me understand the limitations of my mother and start a mourning process to bury the hope of unrealistic expectations. I still feel however that a strong spiritual commitment to God can bring peace of mind for children and parents alike. There was no mention of God or even higher power in this book, unless I missed it. This makes the very good psychoanalytical tools provided herein a little less impactful for me.