Steven Carter Henderson State UniversityMen Who Can't Love: How to Recognize a Commitmentphobic Man Before He Breaks Your Heart

Okay so after a year relationship wiht an EU man , I get it. I get it because of this book. When my father was diagnosed with cancer, I didn't get the big job I wanted and needed to support my family, and my son began having serious health issues, my "boyfriend" of a year did what he always did--nothing. No more than he was willing to give. He didn't reach out to me. He didn't love me . He didn't do much of anything but the minimal to get by. It was like this week of bad news for me, disasters, etc was like any other week. He still came over on Saturday, like clockwork, for our Saturday night date. No extra hugs, no extra support--he didn't even ASK me if I needed anything. This book opened my eyes to the scenario above and many many many more I experienced with this man. The painful part is we are good together--very good--and when he is with me, I feel like he adores me and cares for me. . . however it's moments like the ones above where it is quite obvious he doesn't. He is not able to. Not only that, he is a manipulator and liar and claims to be "trying"...ie: seeing a therapist now after I begged him to for a year (but without me at his side of course), etc. He constantly put boundaries on our relationship on his time-not only when we saw one another, but how fast we fell, how committed we wer, when we saw one another, when we talked about issues, He even at times would just ignore me for days to "deal" with something. In short, he was mean, cold, callous and selfish yet I stayed. I stayed because he could be wonderful, warm and loving--and I thought I mattered to him for some reason.. He hid me from his life--family, ex wife, etc. I remember one night having to hide in his truck so his ex wouldnt see me because I was NOT valuable enough to honor and respect by NOT hiding me. He didn't care about how he made me feel in those moments--his excuse was simply "this is who I am". I left him once. He came back with tears in his eyes and promises that melted my fears and heart. I so love him and believed in him.I knew we had wonderful potential as partners and I took the risk. He was worth it to me. But all those promises never came true and I felt EVEN less loved and cared for. And he felt even less OBLIGATED to work at this, to be a partner to me, to stop taking and start giving. I was confused and it made me feel awful about the person I was, it made me feel inadequate and unloveable. SO I GOT THIS BOOK--and the answer is quite simple. IT IS NOT ME--it's him. The better we were , the more he ran. This book helped me gain strength. The last time he hurt me when I tried to go to therapy with him, work through these issues, he rejected the idea and me. Even though I had accepted him when he had asked for another chance at us--several times. He couldn't do it for me. He couldnt even care about me enough to be a friend to me when my father is sick...he just cant. I finally said what I should have said LONG ago--I told him off--probably not in the best manner but it felt good. I have gone from being hurt, confused, kind, patient, loving, supportive, hurt again, confused again, happy, feeling great, back to hurt and rejected again that I am in what I think was the last inevitable stage-- I am angry for the way he treated me, fooled me and used me. I am angry he just now "realized he probably couldnt be in a relationship." Really? The one YOU BEGGED me to return to so you could "treat me good and be what you always should have been to me?" I also realized that he said things like he was sorry I ever felt unappreciated and unloved..and then he would again make me feel unappreciated and unloved--after a dozen or so times, I can no longer even like him. I dont respect him in any way because of the horible dismissive and wreckless way he treated me and our relationship. He has become the person who hurts me, betrayed me, shunned me, lied to me and he knew I was in love with him . He only protected himself. This book gave me the strength to see the reality of the above. And when I did finally get angry enough to tell him off I said horrible things I had never said to him. I told him what a jerk he was, how selfish he was--my empathy was replaced with sheer defense. My partner , or "partner" , was hurting me more than helping me. I finally didnt care if he didnt come back. I meant the things I said--he is an ass. He is a jerk. He did use me. He never cared about me. If he did, he couldnt treat me this way. He lacks character and this book exposed that to me--clearly. I didnt care if what I said hurt him . I didnt care if what I said made him hate me or not want me or feel awful. I am so tired of caring too much for a person who cares for me when they can--and no more.A person who asks me to be open to him and come to him in need and then RUNS when I do. A person who expects me to risk it for them and doesnt risk in return for me..... I dont want him to want me. I dont want to feel unloved, confused, wonderful one minute and less than valuable the next--I want a man, not an emotional coward. He used me. This book clearly said what my friends had been telling me for a year. . . and what I honestly knew was true in my heart but couldnt admit to myself. He didnt love me. He never will. He is damaged. Very damaged. I deserve more and better. I will not settle. I will not look back. I will not love a man who cant love me back. Read it, move on and love yourself more. And dump him, walk away, and don't look back--trust me, he is probably not giving a hoot about you! Why do you care so much for someone who doesnt care for you? This book will help you change that. Invest in yourself. If any of the above sounds familiar to you--the pain, confusion, and even excuses you allow him to have--get this book and find yourself again. You deserve to be loved and cared for and respected. He won't be the one to give that to you-not today and probably not ever.

Depending on when you start counting, I spent between 2-10 years with someone I now know is a commitment phobe. Now he wasn’t as monstrous as some of the men described in this book, but no matter, as some of the same behaviors and tactics were there. I wish I’d had this book earlier but am glad to have it now. I had no idea of some of the underlying psychology to this, but understanding that a literal phobia is at play was extremely helpful. And while I know the demise of our relationship is so clearly due to his fear, I also realize that I have to look within to understand the contributing role I played to allow this relationship to play out the way it did. If you’re with someone who is either unfaithful or not moving forward due to commitment, please don’t hesitate to read. This will affirm you and give you the tools you need to recognize the signs and move on if you need to. I guess a few constructive thoughts - some of the women in the book were just not relatable, but at the same time, what they went through and how they behaved illustrate how destructive this type of relationship can be. Also, this mostly examines male commitmentphobia. That is what I needed but I did also order He’s Scared She’s Scared to learn more about commitmentphobia shows up for women.

Had I read this one five years ago, assuming my mind would have been open to its message (and that's a big assumption), it would have saved me five years of emotional strife and pain with my soon-to-be commitmentphobic ex-husband. He fits the description perfectly, and all the warning signs that Carter mentions were visible from the first date. My problem was I was relatively young and exceptionally inexperienced when I got involved with him, and I allowed myself to be swept up on the roller coaster.There are two problems I have with this book. First, while I do agree with Carter that these men are out there, the women they end up attracting obviously have issues of their own. Reading "Women Who Love Too Much" was a good complement for this book and helped me to understand my own patterns, and why I was ever attracted, myself, to my husband in the first place. Why I tried so desperately to hold on to him and control him in the relationship for as long as I did, all the while he was literally trying to claw his way out constantly. It wasn't all "his fault" as Carter would like to say. My own personality weaknesses did, after all, allow myself to buy the commitmentphobic's sales pitch.The second problem I have with this book is that in one section he totally glosses over the possibility that a woman might also be commitmentphobic, claiming that her need to reproduce, her need to not be alone, and her need for security will likely trump any and all commitmentphobic tendencies that she might have. While this might be the case ON AVERAGE, it might not be true for any individual. For example, I am financially secure, have had my children already, and am not particularly afraid of being alone. I believe that the devastating relationship I've had with my commitmentphobic husband has turned me into a commitmentphobic, as well. Perhaps this is a temporary PTSD-like reaction, but who knows? I definitely see many of the same traits he describes in myself as I've tried to begin dating again. The thought of being that vulnerable to another man again scares the hell out of me.But, in any case, this book along with the "Women Who Love Too Much" book have given me tremendous insight into what went wrong in my relationship, both due to my husband's and my own behavior. For the first time in years, I have some hope for my future free from all the stress and pain.

Struggling to even write this review because I can't put into words just how fascinating, accurate, and extremely helpful this read was. I was in a year and a half long relationship with a man (or rather, a pathetic excuse for one) who put me through all the anxiety, confusion, and pain involved with dating an avoidant and emotionally unavailable man. Sadly, I stayed in my "relationship" so long that it reached what the author refers to as the bitter end. I only wish I had found this book sooner to have known what to do. The writer is excellent. She makes you feel understood, empathizes with the rollercoaster of feelings you are going through, and and the same time gives you the tough love and actionable advice you need to get through your specific situation. It was incredible hearing the stories from the mens' perspective, getting some insight into what was really going on. I'll remember the lessons I learned through this book for the rest of my life and will spend the next few months raving about this book to everyone. It had me in tears of gratitude at the very end. A must read for every woman that has ever questioned what's going on.

I never review books online. Especially on topics so personal. But I had to write this to say to any woman thinking of buying this book - Just go ahead and buy! I have read so many blogs on emotional unavailability but this book spoke to me in ways that gave me much needed closure and insights into my relationships.

Los hombres que no pueden amar son los que temen al compromiso. Si la mujer se enamora siempre de tipos asi... es porque ella también tiene ese miedo, cree que quiere comprometerse pero luego se queja echando la culpa al hombre. El hombre tendrá miedo al compromiso pero... no olvidemos que la última palabra la tiene quien decide permanecer en esa situación.

This is such a helpful book. It has been around for a while and I'd noticed it but never bought it. I wish I had read this ages ago now because It has explained the incomprehensible behaviour of my ex husband and someone I just recently dated.Everyone has a built in 'normal' level of commitment resistance, the fear of making the wrong choice, committing to the wrong career, partner or path. That's healthy and promotes normal levels of internal debate as to whether you're doing the right thing.Commitment phobia is a term that has been overused which has diluted it's meaning, when in fact, it is a very serious issue. I had to remind myself that a phobia is an extreme or irrational fear of or aversion to something. Like the visceral reaction you have if you are afraid of heights but applied to commitment in intimate relationships.This book will help you identify commitment phobic behaviours which can be extremely distressing and damaging if you are on the receiving end of them.It contains lots of examples and first hand experiences from people who have commitment phobia and those who have suffered as a consequence.I was surprised at how textbook my experiences turned out to be after years of wondering what had happened in my marriage. Married? yes commitment phobic people do get married with disastrous consequences.The book has helped me get over a recent relationship with someone who had similar problems. Only wish I'd read it earlier as I may have recognised the signs immediately instead of further down the line realising...hang on, this feels like my marriage!In my own opinion being on the receiving end of the behaviours this phobia induces feels like abuse. I'm glad to see we're making legal progress in the UK with more insidious forms of abuse like coercive control being outlawed and hope one day this may be as well. If you have this phobia, you know you have it and without treatment will go on perpetrating the same psychological injury to those you get involved with.It's one thing to have issues but when your issues hurt others and you know this - that's a form of abuse.

Interessant maar heel veel voorbeelden die op hetzelfde neerkomen en weinig achtergrondinfo over de oorzaken en wat een mogelijke oplossing is, behalve hard wegrennen.